Emotional Maturity

Key triggering phrases:

• "How do emotionally mature people..."
• "What does emotional maturity look like"
• "Help me understand healthy relationships"
• "How should I handle [conflict/emotions/boundaries]"
• "What are traits of mature people"
• "Give me examples of..."

Framework Overview

The framework consists of 7 domains containing 51 specific traits, each with 3 concrete real-world examples (153 total).

Domain I: Emotional Regulation (Traits 1-5)

Managing internal emotional states effectively.

1. Emotional Granularity - Distinguishing subtle emotions (disappointed vs resentful)
2. Adaptive Regulation Strategies - Using reappraisal, acceptance, mindfulness
3. Impulse Control & Delayed Gratification - Long-term thinking, prefrontal control
4. Tolerance for Emotional Discomfort - Sitting with difficult emotions
5. Integration of Thinking and Feeling - Cognitive-emotional balance

Domain II: Relationship Skills (Traits 6-12)

Building and maintaining healthy connections.

6. Secure Attachment Behaviors - Proximity-seeking, safe haven, reciprocity
7. Interdependence vs Codependence - Mutual support without fusion
8. Capacity for Intimacy and Vulnerability - Authentic emotional disclosure
9. Maintaining Separate Identities - Differentiation while connected
10. Mutual Support Without Caretaking - ARE behaviors (Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement)
11. Navigating Closeness and Distance - Breaking pursuer-distancer cycles
12. Long-Term Relationship Maintenance - Love maps, fondness, shared meaning

Domain III: Conflict Resolution (Traits 13-19)

Handling disagreements constructively.

13. Repair Capacity - Humor, apology, de-escalation during conflict
14. Maintains the 5:1 Ratio - 5 positive interactions per 1 negative
15. Non-Defensive Listening - Paraphrasing, physiological self-soothing
16. Taking Responsibility - Owning behavior without over-responsibility
17. Softened Start-Up - Direct communication without criticism
18. Agreeing to Disagree - Managing perpetual problems
19. Conflict as Information - Viewing disagreement as data

Domain IV: Self-Identity (Traits 20-27)

Developing a stable, authentic sense of self.

20. Differentiation of Self - Bowen theory: separating thinking from feeling
21. Secure Sense of Self - Self-concept clarity, coherence
22. Self-Validation - Internal vs external validation
23. Values-Based Decision Making - Actions aligned with internal values
24. Autonomy and Independence - Self-regulation without external structure
25. Self-Compassion - Self-kindness during failure
26. Integration of Shadow - Accepting flaws without denial
27. Ego Strength - Stable self-perception across contexts

Domain V: Empathy and Perspective-Taking (Traits 28-35)

Understanding others without losing self.

28. Balanced Cognitive and Emotional Empathy - Both systems working together
29. Perspective-Taking Capacity - Level 1 and Level 2 perspective taking
30. Mentalization and Theory of Mind - Understanding behavior via mental states
31. Emotional Attunement Without Absorption - Boundaries in empathy
32. Responding vs Reacting - Longer latency, prefrontal control
33. Compassion vs People-Pleasing - Genuine care vs approval-seeking
34. Respect for Autonomy - Non-controlling language
35. Cultural and Contextual Sensitivity - Cross-cultural empathy

Domain VI: Resilience and Coping (Traits 36-44)

Recovering from setbacks and adapting to change.

36. Psychological Flexibility (ACT) - Adapting responses to serve values
37. Growth Mindset - Viewing challenges as development opportunities
38. Post-Traumatic Growth - Finding meaning through adversity
39. Adaptive Coping Flexibility - Matching strategy to controllability
40. Tolerance for Ambiguity - Functioning without complete information
41. Constructive Failure Processing - Extracting lessons without self-devaluation
42. Realistic Optimism - Positive expectations tempered by reality
43. Self-Care Discipline - Proactive maintenance of resources
44. Somatic Intelligence - Body-based emotional regulation

Domain VII: Boundaries and Assertiveness (Traits 45-51)

Maintaining healthy limits and clear communication.

45. Healthy Boundary Setting - Clear, flexible, maintained under pressure
46. Assertive Communication - DEAR MAN framework
47. Ability to Say No - Without guilt or over-explanation
48. Accepting Others' Boundaries - Not personalizing limits
49. Appropriate Privacy - Balancing transparency with autonomy
50. Boundary Violation & Repair - Identifying and addressing crossings
51. Avoids Enmeshment - Warmth without fusion

How To Use This Framework

Progressive Disclosure Structure

Main SKILL.md (this file): Overview of all 51 traits with brief descriptions

references/domain-*.md: Detailed examples for each domain

• references/domain-i-emotional-regulation.md - Traits 1-5
• references/domain-ii-relationship-skills.md - Traits 6-12
• references/domain-iii-conflict-resolution.md - Traits 13-19
• references/domain-iv-self-identity.md - Traits 20-27
• references/domain-v-empathy.md - Traits 28-35
• references/domain-vi-resilience.md - Traits 36-44
• references/domain-vii-boundaries.md - Traits 45-51

Using The Skill

For quick questions: Answer using the overview above and provide 1-2 relevant examples.

For detailed analysis: Read the relevant domain reference file to get all 3 examples for specific traits.

For personal application: Ask clarifying questions about the user's specific situation, then map to relevant traits and provide tailored examples.

For pattern analysis: Help users identify which domains/traits they want to develop, create action plans.

Key Examples (Sample from Each Domain)

From Domain I (Emotional Regulation)

Emotional Granularity Example:

• EM notices when a friend cancels plans and identifies it as "disappointment" (situation didn't meet expectations) rather than "resentment" (no betrayal intended)

From Domain II (Relationship Skills)

Interdependence Example:

• EM's partner wants to take a month-long solo retreat, EM feels some anxiety but genuinely supports their growth

From Domain III (Conflict Resolution)

Repair Capacity Example:

• Mid-fight, EM reaches out and touches partner's hand, says "I don't want to fight with you. I want to understand you"

From Domain IV (Self-Identity)

Differentiation Example:

• EM feels intense attraction to someone unavailable, thinks "The feeling is real, and acting on it would hurt people I love. I can feel it without acting on it"

From Domain V (Empathy)

Perspective-Taking Example:

• EM is in an argument, takes partner's perspective, which reduces their own defensiveness and allows productive conversation

From Domain VI (Resilience)

Failure Processing Example:

• EM fails exam: "I need to change my study strategy. This doesn't mean I'm stupid"

From Domain VII (Boundaries)

Saying No Example:

• EM says "No" without 5-minute apology or detailed excuse

Important Notes

These are learnable skills, not innate personality traits. Developed through:

• Secure attachment experiences
• Intentional practice
• Corrective emotional learning
• Therapy and self-work
• Conscious relationship choices

Evidence base: Traits drawn from research in:

• Attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth)
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (Johnson)
• Gottman Method couples research
• Schema Therapy (Young)
• ACT and psychological flexibility (Hayes)
• Differentiation of Self (Bowen)
• Emotional intelligence research

Source: See gist.github.com/iAziz786/8ad28e178d1a47e9dd0463898f219548 for full 153 examples

Gotchas

• Don't present all 51 traits at once — overwhelming. Ask what domain the user is interested in first.
• These are aspirational — no one masters all 51. Everyone has growth areas.
• Context matters — cultural, developmental, and situational factors influence expression.
• Not diagnostic — this framework is for growth, not pathologizing.
• Focus on behavior, not identity — "you did X" not "you are X" when discussing growth areas.

Related Skills

• For therapy guidance related to emotional maturity development, see therapy-guidance skill (if available)
• For relationship analysis, combine with relationship-analysis skill
• For self-reflection journaling prompts, combine with journaling skill