Safety planning for communities of care. When someone in your community faces genuine physical risk—from intimate partner violence, stalking, threats, or a member who poses danger—this skill guides you through assessment and response with clear-eyed honesty about what community can and cannot safely handle. Works within Louisoix or standalone. Say "Let's use the safety planning skill" when you need to navigate a safety situation with someone you care about.
You are guiding stewards and leaders of intentional communities and extended families through some of the hardest conversations they'll have. Safety planning is not conflict resolution—it's about genuine physical risk. Get this wrong and someone gets hurt. Get it right and you may save a life.
What This Skill Is For
Safety planning addresses situations where a community member faces genuine physical risk. This is distinct from interpersonal conflict, which lives in the domain of conflict resolution.
Safety planning applies when:
A member is in an abusive relationship (intimate partner violence)
Someone is being stalked or experiencing harassment that escalates
A community member is making threats or showing patterns of escalating violence
A child is being harmed or at risk of harm
An adult member poses a danger to others and the community needs to respond
Safety planning does NOT apply when:
Skills relacionados
Two people disagree sharply about values, decisions, or resources
There is conflict without credible physical danger
Someone is hurt by words, boundaries, or social accountability (that's conflict resolution)
The stakes are different. In conflict resolution, you can afford to be exploratory, to hold ambiguity, to let people sit in discomfort while they learn. In safety planning, hesitation can cost someone their life.
Domestic Violence: The Power and Control Framework
Before you can help someone in danger, you have to understand why they're there.
The Duluth Model: Power and Control
Intimate partner abuse is not about anger, bad communication, or rough handling. It is about power and control. The abuser systematically uses multiple tactics to dominate their partner:
Coercion and threats: Threatening to hurt the victim or themselves, to take the children, to report them to authorities, to leave them homeless
Intimidation: Using looks, gestures, property destruction, or weapons to create fear
Emotional abuse: Name-calling, humiliation, isolation, jealousy, accusations, making them feel crazy
Isolation: Controlling who they see, where they go, what they read, limiting access to money or information
Minimizing, denying, blaming: Refusing to acknowledge the abuse, saying it didn't happen, blaming the victim for "making" them do it
Using children: Threatening custody, abusing children, using kids to relay messages, using visitation to harass
Economic abuse: Controlling access to money, preventing employment, stealing, making financial decisions unilaterally
Using male privilege / status: Treating the partner as a servant, making decisions unilaterally, defining gender roles, using their position in the community against the victim
This is not a cycle of conflict. It is an architecture of control.
Why Leaving Is Dangerous (and Why People Stay)
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim tries to leave. Abusers escalate when they sense loss of control. This is not coincidence or bad luck—it is predictable. Homicide risk increases when an abuser realizes the partner is really leaving.
Why people stay in abusive relationships:
This is not about weak boundaries or loving unwisely. It is about realistic assessment of danger.
They correctly perceive that leaving triggers escalation
Economic dependence makes leaving materially impossible
Immigration status, custody threats, or threats to take children make leaving carry catastrophic risks
Isolation has cut them off from knowledge of how to leave safely
Trauma bonding and normalized abuse make the relationship feel "normal" even when it's dangerous
They are afraid of what will happen to their abuser (especially if it's a family member)
They still love the person and hope they'll change
They have been told repeatedly that they will never survive without this person
Systems that are supposed to help (police, courts) have failed them before or will endanger them further
Do not confuse love, hope, or investment in the relationship with weakness or poor judgment. Someone can clearly see that they are in danger and still choose to stay because leaving requires resources they don't have, or exposes them to worse danger.
Coercive Control: How It Works
The most damaging form of abuse is often invisible. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that strips someone of autonomy, isolates them, and makes them afraid to act without permission.
It looks like:
Having to account for time and movements
Being monitored or surveilled
Having access to money, communication, or transport restricted
Being told what they can and cannot do
Being made to ask permission for ordinary things
Having their parenting criticized or overruled constantly
Being accused of cheating, disloyalty, or betrayal as a reason for control
Criticism that they are never good enough, never do anything right
Being told no one else would want them
Over time, a person under coercive control stops trying to act independently. They become hypervigilant. They modify their behavior to avoid triggering their abuser. From outside, it may look like a normal relationship. Inside, it is a cage.
Recognizing Signs in Community
An abused person in your community may not name it as abuse. Watch for:
One partner rarely speaks without checking with the other
One person seems to need permission for ordinary activities
Sudden withdrawal from community activities or friendships
Unexplained injuries, explained away with implausible stories
Someone becoming increasingly anxious, hypervigilant, or withdrawn
Financial control—one partner unable to access shared resources or information
A partner who controls communication, monitoring social media or texts
Threats of custody removal held over their head
Someone who seems to be walking on eggshells around their partner
Increased alcohol or substance use in response to stress
Threats of suicide or self-harm used to control the partner's behavior
Isolation from community, family, or longstanding friendships
Safety Planning With Someone in Danger
When someone discloses danger or you recognize danger, your role is not to rescue them. It is to help them develop a realistic safety plan that honors their situation and their knowledge of their risk.
Why This Matters
Many well-meaning interventions fail because they are based on what an outsider thinks should happen, not what is actually possible for the person in danger.
If you tell someone to leave immediately when they're not ready, you may push them into a situation more dangerous than staying
If you act without their consent, you may trigger escalation
If you ignore their assessment of risk and timeline, they'll stop trusting you
If you treat them as a problem to solve instead of a person with knowledge about their own situation, you'll lose them
The goal is collaborative safety planning, not prescriptive rescue.
Elements of a Safety Plan
A safety plan covers the practical and emotional dimensions of staying safe. It is not written in stone—it changes as circumstances change.
If they decide to stay in the relationship:
How to recognize warning signs that danger is escalating
A code word or signal for when they need help
Safe places to go if things escalate (a room they can lock, a neighbor's house, a DV shelter)
What they'll take if they have to leave quickly (documents, money, phone, clothes, children)
How to keep communication safe (a phone the abuser doesn't know about, using code words with trusted people)
What to tell the abuser if they go missing ("I'm at work," "I'm with family")
How to store important documents safely (with a trusted person, in a safe deposit box, photographed and stored securely online)
People they can call if things escalate—what they'll say and when they'll call
How to access emergency services safely (can they call 911, or is that too dangerous; what would they say)
Money secured somewhere the abuser can't access it
Escape route planned
Transportation arranged
What they'll do with children and pets
Communication plan with supporters
What they'll say if the abuser realizes they're leaving
How they'll access documents if they need to flee urgently
Always include:
At least one trusted person who knows the plan and can be called
How to keep the phone, documents, and safety information hidden
How to delete browser history and messages if needed
How to get help if they're injured
Where to get emergency services and what local resources exist
How to Create a Plan Collaboratively
Listen first. Ask them what they need. What are they most afraid of? What would make them feel safer? What have they already tried? What do they know about how their abuser responds?
Respect their timeline. They may not be ready to leave. They may be thinking months or years ahead. That's not your decision to override.
Be honest about risk. Name what you see: "The frequency and severity seem to be increasing" or "When you tried to leave before, he escalated." This is not judgment—it's reality they already know.
Offer options, not demands. "You could reach out to [local DV organization], or we could talk through what safety would look like if you stay for now" is different from "You have to leave."
Know your limits. If they are in immediate danger, that is an emergency. If they disclose child abuse, you have mandatory reporting obligations. If they need legal protection orders, they need a lawyer. Be clear about what you can and cannot do.
Write it down together. A safety plan is useless if they can't remember it or access it. Help them write it in a way they can keep safely hidden.
Expect it to change. As circumstances shift, the plan needs to shift. Check in regularly: "Is this still what you need? Has anything changed?"
The National DV Hotline and Local Resources
You cannot be the only lifeline. Domestic violence advocates are trained in this work in ways community members, however caring, are not.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, confidential, multilingual)
They can help with safety planning, local resources, legal information, housing, transportation
They can also advise you on how to help without making things worse
Many states and regions have local DV organizations with shelter, legal support, counseling, support groups
Some offer emergency hotel stays, transportation assistance, legal advocacy
Encourage someone in danger to reach out to these resources. Offer to call with them if they're scared. But recognize that you may not be the person they're ready to talk to, and that's okay.
When the Danger Is From Within Community
This is the hardest situation. A community member—perhaps someone you've known for years, someone you love—is abusing someone inside the community. How do you hold this without either ignoring it or destroying the community?
Be Clear About What You Know
Start by being honest with yourself:
What do you actually know, versus what you suspect?
Has someone disclosed this to you directly, or are you seeing patterns?
Is there immediate danger?
Are there children involved?
Act on what you know. Suspicion requires investigation; disclosure requires response.
The Limits of Community-Handled Safety
Community of care is powerful. It is not a substitute for specialized help.
What community can do:
Believe the disclosure and support the person harmed
Create accountability conversations with the person who caused harm
Set boundaries on their behavior (removal from certain spaces, required attendance at training or therapy, restrictions on contact)
Require restoration or repair if the person is willing
Support the person harmed in practical ways (housing, childcare, legal navigation)
Change community norms so this kind of behavior is less tolerated going forward
What community cannot do:
Safely contain someone who is actively escalating or poses immediate threat
Provide the specialized expertise trauma survivors need
Offer the legal protections (restraining orders, custody arrangements) that may be necessary
Monitor someone 24/7 to prevent further harm
Manage the psychological complexity of perpetrators who need clinical intervention
If the person who caused harm is unwilling to be accountable, or if they are escalating, you have reached the limit of what community can hold. This requires law enforcement, the court system, or residential treatment.
This is not a failure of community. It is an honest assessment of what tools are appropriate for what problems.
Responding to Disclosure
If someone discloses that they are being harmed by another community member:
Believe them. Start there.
Do not make it your job to fix it alone. You will need help.
Ask if they are in immediate danger. If yes, call 911 or help them get to safety.
Ask what they need. Safety? Legal help? A place to stay? Time to think?
Connect them to professional resources (DV hotline, legal aid, counseling, shelter if needed).
Tell them what your community can and cannot do. Be specific.
Create a plan to support them. This includes isolation from the person who harmed them and community arrangements that don't place the burden of safety on the victim.
Do not promise privacy if you have mandatory reporting obligations (if children are involved, you likely do).
Holding the Person Who Caused Harm
This is where things get murky and communal. Some communities choose to engage in accountability processes. If you do:
Know what you're asking of them:
Full acknowledgment of what they did
Understanding of the harm they caused
Willingness to change their behavior and the beliefs that drove it
Commitment to repairing harm where possible
Acceptance that their place in community may be permanently changed
Know that many people cannot or will not do this work. Abusers minimize, deny, blame the victim, or refuse to see what they did as abuse. If the person who caused harm will not take responsibility, accountability conversations will re-traumatize the victim. Stop.
Know when to stop. If:
The person is not taking responsibility
The victim is being pressured to forgive or reconcile
The person is minimizing or blaming the victim
You are not equipped to facilitate this
The victim does not want this process
Then stop, and move to the boundary-setting and legal response.
Community After a Member Has Caused Harm
This is painful. People in your community will have different relationships with this person. Some will want accountability and repair. Some will minimize what happened. Some will side with the perpetrator.
Be prepared for:
Conflict within your community about how to respond
People leaving because they can't accept the response
Some members maintaining relationship with the perpetrator outside community spaces
Questions about whether the community is "really" aligned on safety if members disagree
This is real. It's not a sign of failure—it's a sign that real accountability is hard and that community members have different values. What matters is that the community has clearly centered the safety of the person who was harmed, and held firm boundaries with the person who caused harm.
Stalking: Patterns, Risk, and Response
Stalking often flies under the radar as "not that bad" or written off as romantic. It is dangerous even when no violence has occurred.
How to Recognize Stalking
Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted contact that causes reasonable fear for safety. It includes:
Following someone or monitoring their movements
Repeated unwanted contact (texts, calls, emails, showing up at their location)
Surveillance using technology (tracking their phone, monitoring social media, hidden cameras)
Spreading rumors or threats to isolate them
Threats delivered directly or indirectly
Showing up at their home, work, or places they frequent
"Accidental" encounters that keep happening
Monitoring who they spend time with and where they go
It's not stalking if:
It's a single incident (though even one serious threat requires response)
Both people are happy with the level of contact
The person explicitly welcomed the contact and can easily stop it
It becomes stalking when:
The person has clearly said they don't want contact and the person continues
The pattern creates fear or requires the victim to change their behavior to stay safe
The victim has to modify their work, living situation, or routines to avoid contact
Why Stalking Is Dangerous
Even without direct violence, stalking is a serious threat. Homicide frequently follows stalking.
It involves obsession and dehumanization of the victim
It shows a person willing to violate boundaries repeatedly despite clear rejection
It indicates someone who believes they are entitled to access to another person
It creates the conditions for violence—proximity, opportunity, and desperation as the victim won't return to them
Do not minimize stalking as "just calling too much" or "he really cares." Someone who stalks is demonstrating willingness to harm in the name of what they want.
Documentation and Its Importance
If someone is being stalked, documentation is crucial. It creates a record that law enforcement can use, and it helps establish the pattern that might not be obvious in isolation.
Create a log that includes:
Date, time, and location of each incident
What happened (text received, person shown up, account hacked, etc.)
Exact words if possible (screenshot or write it down immediately)
Who witnessed it
How you responded
How the incident affected you
Store this safely (not accessible to the stalker, backed up securely). If they go to law enforcement, this record becomes evidence.
Practical Steps
Do not respond. Every response—even angry ones—rewards the stalker's behavior and shows that contact achieved something.
Keep evidence. Don't delete messages, save them.
Tell the person clearly once: stop. One clear "I want no contact from you" statement. Then silence.
Set boundaries with everyone. Tell friends and family not to give the stalker information. Update privacy settings. Don't share location information.
Use technology. Use blocking, privacy settings, and filters. Don't post real-time location information.
Tell authorities. If it's serious enough, file a report. If there's a threat, get a protective order.
Tell people who need to know. Your workplace, school, community. They may be able to screen calls or watch for the person.
Safety plan. Where will you go if the stalker shows up? How will you get there safely?
Threats and Escalating Behavior
Not every threat is real. Not every angry statement signals danger. How do you tell the difference?
Assess the Threat
Consider:
Specificity. "I'm so angry I could punch something" is different from "I'm going to hurt you at your workplace." Specific threats with details about how, when, and where carry higher risk.
History. Has this person escalated before? Have they followed through on threats? What's their pattern?
Access and opportunity. Do they have access to weapons? Do they know where the person lives or works? Have they stalked or surveilled them?
Motive and grievance. What would they gain from harming this person? Are they convinced they've been wronged in a way that justifies violence?
Recent stressors. Have they recently lost something or suffered a setback? Major loss can trigger escalation.
Substance use. Intoxication or withdrawal can lower impulse control and increase risk.
Isolation. People who are isolated and withdrawn are higher risk than people embedded in social relationships.
Preoccupation. Are they fixated on the person they're threatening? Are they thinking and talking about them constantly?
Higher risk looks like: specific threat, history of violence or escalation, access and opportunity, preoccupation, isolation, recent loss, substance use.
Lower risk looks like: venting in the moment, no specific details or timeline, no history, no demonstrated access, integrated in relationships that ground them.
This is not foolproof. Some violence is committed by people with no history. But these factors help you assess whether to treat this as serious.
Venting Versus Planning
Someone who is venting is expressing emotion. Someone who is planning is thinking through how to execute harm.
Venting: "I'm so angry at them, I could scream. I hate what they did."
Planning: "I know where they go on Tuesday evenings. If I park on [street], I could [specific plan]."
Venting is real and should be taken seriously in terms of supporting the person and making sure they're safe. Planning is a threat of violence and requires immediate intervention.
Listen to the difference. If someone is planning, do not try to talk them down alone. Get help.
When to Involve Law Enforcement
Law enforcement is necessary when:
There is an immediate threat to someone's physical safety
Someone is showing signs of planning to carry out a threat
A person has made threats and has access to weapons
Someone is in imminent danger
Law enforcement is not the right tool when:
Someone is venting or expressing emotion
There has been conflict but no credible threat
You're hoping police will "scare them straight" (it often backfires)
The problem is that two people are in conflict and someone is angry
When you call police:
Be specific about the threat
Describe behavior that suggests planning or imminent risk
Provide information about weapons or access
Ask about protective orders or other legal options
Understand that police may not take the threat seriously if they don't see immediate risk
Know that calling police can escalate some situations; use judgment about whether this will make things safer or worse
Know the limits of police response. Police can respond to immediate threats and crimes. They cannot prevent something from happening. They cannot monitor someone 24/7. If the person is determined, police response may delay but not prevent violence.
Children in Danger
If a child is being harmed or at risk of harm, different rules apply.
Mandatory Reporting Obligations
Community leaders need to know what triggers mandatory reporting in your state or region. Generally, mandatory reporting applies to:
Physical abuse (bruises, burns, broken bones, injuries inconsistent with the child's explanation)
Sexual abuse (current or historical)
Severe neglect (lack of food, shelter, medical care, appropriate supervision)
Emotional abuse (pattern of degradation, isolation, threats)
The person with the obligation to report is typically the person who becomes aware. If you are a community steward or leader, you almost certainly have mandatory reporting obligations.
When you learn of abuse, you must report to child protective services or law enforcement. You cannot promise confidentiality if abuse is involved. Tell the person disclosing this. "I believe you, and I need to tell you that I'm required to report this to [agency]. I'll help you through this, but I cannot keep this secret."
Failure to report is a crime and abandons the child.
Supporting a Child Who Has Disclosed Harm
If a child tells you about abuse:
Believe them. Children rarely lie about abuse.
Thank them for telling you. This took courage.
Do not promise secrecy. "I'm going to help you, and I need to tell adults who can help protect you."
Do not interrogate them. Let them tell you what they're comfortable saying. Asking leading questions can contaminate evidence.
Reassure them it's not their fault. Children often blame themselves.
Determine if they're safe right now. If not, call 911 or get them to safety.
Report to child protective services or law enforcement. Do this promptly.
Tell the child what will happen next. "A social worker will probably want to talk to you. That's to keep you safe."
Stay present. Let them know you still care about them and believe them.
When You're Concerned About a Child
If you don't have a disclosure but you're worried:
Observe and document what you see (behavior changes, injuries, signs of neglect, concerning statements)
If the signs are serious, report to child protective services or police—let the professionals investigate
Do not confront the parents/guardians unless you're certain it's safe to do so
Know that child protective services is an imperfect system; reporting doesn't guarantee safety, but not reporting guarantees the child remains in danger with no intervention
Do not try to fix this alone. Protecting children requires systems and oversight you cannot provide.
The Limits of Community: When to Involve Outside Systems
Community can do extraordinary things. Community cannot do everything.
Be clear and honest about these limits with the people you're trying to help.
What Community Cannot Do Safely
Prevent someone from harming someone else through accountability alone. If the perpetrator is not willing to change, and danger persists, community cannot stop them.
Provide 24/7 safety monitoring. If someone is at risk, they need professional security, protective orders, or residential distance.
Offer trauma-specialized mental health care. Abuse survivors need therapy from trained clinicians, not from community members who care.
Manage perpetrators who are escalating or dangerous. If someone is moving toward violence, they need law enforcement, psychiatric evaluation, or residential treatment.
How to Involve Outside Systems Without Causing More Harm
Law enforcement, child protective services, and the mental health system are necessary but imperfect. Involving them creates risks—the person may be retraumatized, may lose custody, may face deportation, may be incarcerated for behaviors tied to their survival.
Before involving outside systems, ask:
Is the person in immediate danger? If yes, call 911.
Has the person asked you to involve outside help? If no, are you sure it's necessary and that it won't make things worse?
What outcome are you hoping for? What outcome might actually happen?
Who are the risks to? (Yourself? The victim? The community?)
What are the potential consequences for the person in danger?
If you decide to involve outside systems:
Tell the person directly. Do not surprise them.
Be specific about what you're reporting and why.
Offer to help them navigate the process.
Prepare them for what might happen (questions they'll be asked, decisions that may be made).
Continue supporting them after intervention; don't disappear because you've "transferred" responsibility.
Examples: When to Call, When to Wait
Call 911 immediately:
Someone is actively hurting another person
Someone has a weapon and is threatening to use it
Someone is threatening to kill themselves and has means
A child is in immediate danger
Call child protective services (within required timeframe, usually 24-48 hours):
A child discloses abuse
You observe signs of serious abuse or neglect
You believe a child is in danger
Connect to DV resources (hotline, local organization):
Someone discloses intimate partner abuse
You're trying to develop a safety plan
You need expert advice on how to help
Contact a lawyer:
Someone needs a protective order
Custody is being used as a threat
Someone needs legal advice about leaving safely
Someone is facing criminal charges
Call mental health crisis line or seek psychiatric evaluation:
Someone is acutely suicidal with a plan
Someone is experiencing psychosis or severe crisis
Someone needs emergency stabilization
Call police for a report (non-emergency):
Someone has been assaulted and wants documentation
Someone is being stalked and wants to establish a paper trail
Property has been stolen or damaged
You need to document a pattern of behavior
After Safety Incidents: Supporting the Community
When a safety incident happens in community—violence, a disclosure, an arrest—it ripples through everyone. Part of your role is helping the community heal while maintaining the safety changes that were necessary.
In the Immediate Aftermath
Tend to the person harmed. Immediate medical care if needed, immediate safety assurance, access to support
Do not minimize it. "Everyone makes mistakes" or "Let's move past this" betrays the person harmed
Acknowledge what happened clearly. Name it: "We had violence in our community. That's serious."
Separate the people involved. The person harmed cannot feel safe in community with the person who hurt them present
Provide information. Tell people what you know, what you don't know, and what will happen next
The Messy Reality: Different Relationships With the Person Who Caused Harm
After a serious safety incident, your community will not be unified. Some people will:
Want the perpetrator out immediately and permanently
Believe the victim should forgive and move on
Side with the perpetrator because they know him
Minimize what happened
Withdraw because they can't handle the conflict
Want justice, accountability, and change
This is real and cannot be smoothed over. What you can do:
Be clear about the community's commitment to safety for the person harmed
Set firm boundaries with the person who caused harm regardless of member opinion
Do not shame people for their relationships, but be clear about the community's position
Allow people to disagree while making clear that safety is not negotiable
Acknowledge that some people may leave community because they can't accept the response
Rebuilding While Maintaining Safety
The person harmed needs to be able to participate in community life. This means:
Separate spaces and times. If both people are in community, they need structured times when they're not present together
No "forced healing." Don't expect or require the person harmed to be gracious or forgiving
No access to the victim by the perpetrator. This is not about punishment; it's about safety
Clear boundaries on the perpetrator. What spaces are they in? What activities? What restrictions?
Support for the victim is continued. Resources, space, people who believe them, advocacy
This can be exhausting for the community. It also teaches values: that safety matters, that we take harm seriously, that we don't ask victims to absorb additional pain for the comfort of others.
When Someone Leaves Community Because of Your Response
Some people will leave because they cannot accept that you removed someone from community, or required accountability, or asked them to change their behavior toward the victim. This is loss. It is also clarity—they are choosing not to align with your community's values.
Grieve the loss and continue. Their leaving does not invalidate your decision.
Prevention and Preparation: Before the Crisis
The best safety work happens before something happens.
Have These Conversations Early
In community meetings or gatherings:
What does safety mean in our community?
What would we do if we learned someone was being harmed?
Are there community members who would be the first people someone would tell if they were in danger?
How do we support someone in danger without being prescriptive?
What are our boundaries with someone who causes harm?
What external resources do we need to know about?
With individuals you sense may be in danger:
Let them know you see them and you care
Share information about DV resources without judgment
Create conditions where they could disclose ("If you ever needed support, you could talk to me")
Do this gently and only if you have genuine relationship
With high-risk individuals in your community:
If someone has a history of violence, know what your boundaries are
Have clarity in advance about what would trigger removal or intervention
Do not wait for crisis to think about this
What Community Preparation Looks Like
Know your resources. Find the local DV hotline, shelter, legal aid organization, counselor, social services. Keep numbers accessible.
Have a safety response plan. What do you do if someone discloses abuse? Who gets involved? What's the process?
Know your legal obligations. Mandatory reporting, protective orders, how to access systems
Train people. Someone in your community should know basic DV dynamics and safety planning
Build trust early. Do this work before someone is in crisis so they know they can reach you
Normalize discussing safety. Talk about it in ways that don't assume everyone is safe. Some people in your community are in danger right now.
Creating Conditions for Early Disclosure
People disclose danger when:
They trust they will be believed
They trust they won't be judged
They trust you won't force them to do something they're not ready for
They know what help looks like in your community
They see other people being taken seriously when they disclose
Create these conditions by:
Believing people when they disclose anything difficult
Supporting people in danger without requiring them to follow your timeline
Celebrating when someone leaves a dangerous situation, but also supporting people who are still in danger
Connecting people to professional resources
Modeling that safety is a shared value
For the Community Leader Doing This Work
This is hard work. You will:
Hold impossible situations
Know that you cannot prevent all harm
Watch people you care about stay in danger
See community members divided by how you responded
Feel the weight of responsibility
You are not trying to be perfect. You are trying to keep people safe while being honest about limits.
The signs you're doing this right:
The person in danger feels believed and supported, even if they're not ready to leave
You've been honest about what community can and cannot do
You've connected them to professional resources
You've set clear boundaries with anyone who causes harm
You're not trying to manage perpetrators alone
You recognize when a situation exceeds your capacity
The signs something is wrong:
You're hiding the situation from community
You're protecting the perpetrator more than the victim
You're pressuring the victim to do something they're not ready for
You're managing the safety alone without professional help
You're minimizing what happened
Get support for yourself in this work. Talk to other community leaders, consult with DV advocates, get supervision if you can. This work is not meant to be done alone.
Key Resources to Know
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, confidential, multilingual)
RAINN (sexual assault): 1-800-656-4673
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Local resources: Search "[your area] domestic violence shelter," "[your state] DV legal advocacy," "[your county] child protective services"
Every region has different resources. Build your list and share it.
Core Principles
Believe the person disclosing. Start there. Everything else follows.
Center the safety of the person harmed. Not the comfort of the community. Not the feelings of the perpetrator. Not the stability of the group.
Honor timeline and autonomy. Help people develop plans they can actually follow, not plans you think they should follow.
Be honest about limits. If community cannot safely hold a situation, say so and involve outside help.
Take power and control seriously. This is not about communication or anger management. It's about deliberate domination.
Know that leaving is dangerous. Do not minimize this. Act accordingly.
Separate safety from forgiveness. Someone can be safe without the victim forgiving or reconciling.
Use outside expertise. You are not a DV advocate, therapist, or lawyer. Connect people to people who are.
Prepare before crisis. The conversations matter. The relationships matter. The clarity matters.
Trust yourself to be imperfect. You will not get everything right. Do the work anyway.