The Division of Responsibility (sDOR)

• Parent is responsible for: what (breast milk or appropriate formula).
• Child is responsible for: how much and how often.

The parent feeds on demand or on a schedule the child signals for. The parent does not decide that a given feeding is "too much" or "too little." Infant self-regulation of intake is robust under normal circumstances and is the earliest foundation of long-term eating competence.

For toddlers and beyond (solids onward)

• Parent is responsible for: what, when, and where.
• Child is responsible for: whether and how much.

The parent chooses the food, the timing of meals and snacks, and the location. The child decides whether to eat the offered food and, if so, how much. This is the heart of the model.

What this does not mean.

• It does not mean the child picks the menu.
• It does not mean the child eats whenever they want.
• It does not mean every food the child refuses must be replaced with something else.
• It does not mean the parent has no influence over the child's diet.

What this does mean.

• Meals are served at predictable times in a predictable place.
• The food offered includes at least one item the child is likely to eat.
• Pressure to eat any particular food is removed — no bribing, no praise for eating, no shame for refusing.
• The child is trusted to regulate intake based on hunger and satiety.

For school-age children

The model holds, but the child begins to have more say over the what when they are away from the parent's table. Parents remain responsible for what is available at home and for the structure of meals; children have age-appropriate autonomy elsewhere.

For adolescents

The model expands further. Adolescents make many of their own food decisions, but family meals remain a platform for shared eating and continued modeling of eating competence.

Why the model matters

The alternative to sDOR is the parent-directed feeding model, in which the parent decides what, when, where, whether, and how much the child eats. The parent-directed model produces predictable failure modes:

1. Overriding internal cues. A child who is pressured to eat past satiety learns to ignore internal satiety cues. A child who is restricted from food they want learns to seek it furtively. Both interfere with internal self-regulation.
2. Power struggles. Eating becomes a venue for autonomy conflicts. The struggle reliably produces worse outcomes than whatever nutritional issue prompted the intervention.
3. Negative food associations. Foods the parent pressured onto the plate are the foods the child most reliably avoids as an adult.
4. Risk factors for disordered eating. Parent-directed feeding is associated with higher rates of disordered eating patterns in adolescence, particularly when combined with weight-focused messaging.

Worked example — the picky eater

A three-year-old eats rice, bananas, cheese, crackers, chicken nuggets, and milk. The parent is concerned about "enough vegetables."

The sDOR response

1. Do not replace dinner with an alternative. Offer the same meal the rest of the family eats. Include a "safe" item the child reliably eats (bread, rice, fruit).
2. Do not pressure. No "one more bite." No "you can't leave the table until." No dessert-as-reward.
3. Provide structure. Three meals and 2–3 snacks per day at predictable times. No grazing between.
4. Model eating. The parent eats the food without comment on the child's plate.
5. Repeat exposure. A food typically requires 10–20 neutral exposures before a child accepts it. Neutral means "on the plate, not pressured."
6. Trust the growth curve. A child who is growing along their curve is eating enough, even if the variety is limited.
7. Wait. Picky eating typically improves gradually between ages 3 and 8 when the sDOR structure is maintained.

The response NOT to give

• "Make a deal — two bites of broccoli for a bite of dessert." Bribery teaches that the rewarded food is less desirable.
• "Hide vegetables in other foods." This removes the child's consent from their own eating and teaches distrust.
• "No dinner at all if you won't eat what's served." Skipping meals escalates the conflict and does not teach eating.
• "Let me know what you will eat and I'll make that." The child is put in charge of menu planning, which is not their job.

Worked example — the child with a larger body

A six-year-old is in a higher weight percentile than peers. The parent is tempted to restrict food.

The sDOR response

1. Do not restrict. Restriction is associated with more eating, not less, and with disordered patterns later.
2. Do not comment on the child's body. Body comments — favorable or critical — are associated with worse outcomes.
3. Maintain sDOR structure. Predictable meals and snacks, including foods the child enjoys.
4. Focus on competence, not weight. The goal is an eating-competent adult, not a specific childhood weight.
5. Address medical concerns medically, not dietarily. If the child has a medical issue, coordinate with a pediatric provider; do not turn family meals into a treatment setting.
6. Check for implicit messaging. What is the child hearing at school, from relatives, from media? Parent messaging that is nominally neutral can be undermined by other voices.

The response NOT to give

• "Low-calorie portions." Children sense restriction and compensate.
• "No more snacks." Structured snacks are part of sDOR.
• "You're big for your age" or similar comment. Body comment is discouraged regardless of direction.

Nutrition curriculum for older learners

Elementary (ages 5–11)

Good content. Where food comes from, how plants grow, cooking basics, sensory exploration (taste, texture, smell), simple food groups, meal structure. Focus on relationship with food, not rules about food.

Bad content. "Good" and "bad" food labels. Calorie counting. BMI measurement in class. Weight-based messaging. Body comparison.

Middle school (ages 11–14)

Good content. Basic digestive biochemistry, the food system (where food comes from, how it gets to the store), reading food labels, cooking, basic meal planning. Begin to introduce complexity — "fat is essential, and different fats do different things."

Bad content. Any curriculum that publicly weighs students or discusses individual students' bodies. Simple dietary rules presented as science. Shame-based messaging.

High school (ages 14–18)

Good content. Controlled-trial methodology using nutrition examples. Reading and critiquing a nutrition study. Macronutrient biochemistry at the level of a first-year physiology course. The Dietary Guidelines process and how science becomes policy. The difference between "settled" and "contested" claims.

Bad content. Any curriculum that presents one dietary pattern as morally superior. Personal-diet assignments that require students to report what they eat.

College

Good content. Nutrition science at the level of a serious textbook (Gropper and Smith, or equivalent). Research-methods training using nutrition studies. Exposure to the replication-failure pattern for single-nutrient claims. The industry-influence literature. Basic biostatistics.

Bad content. Advocacy masquerading as science. Uncritical acceptance of popular diet books as textbooks.

Talking about food without moralizing

A surprising amount of everyday food language is moralized: "guilty pleasure," "being good today," "earning dessert," "clean eating," "cheat day." This language imports ethics into eating in a way that is culturally common and developmentally harmful. The skill recommends explicit substitutions:

• "I had a big lunch so I'm not very hungry" instead of "I was bad today."
• "This is cake" instead of "this is sinful chocolate cake."
• "I'm eating this because I like it" instead of "I know I shouldn't but."
• "Some foods are more nutrient-dense than others" instead of "good foods and bad foods."

The substitution is not about politeness. It is about modeling an eating-competent adult for learners of every age.

Assessment protocol for a feeding question

When a user asks a feeding-relationship question:

1. Identify the developmental stage. Infant, toddler, school-age, adolescent.
2. Identify the concern. Is it picky eating? Perceived insufficient intake? Perceived excessive intake? A medical issue?
3. Apply the sDOR framework. What is the parent responsible for? What is the child responsible for? Where is the current practice violating the division?
4. Name a specific adjustment. Recommendations should be concrete — not "be more patient" but "serve the same meal to everyone, include a reliable item, remove pressure language."
5. Give a timeline. Behavior change in feeding is slow. Two weeks is rarely enough to judge; two months often is.
6. Watch for red flags. Feeding tube dependence, severe food restriction, rapid weight loss, choking or swallowing issues, fear of specific textures — these are medical and require a pediatric feeding specialist, not sDOR guidance alone.

Routing heuristics

• Child feeding relationships → satter
• Curriculum and policy questions → marion-nestle
• The science underlying a claim the parent is asking about → ancel-keys or atwater or contested-claims-in-nutrition
• The biochemistry of a specific nutrient the parent is worried about → nutrient-metabolism skill

Common failure modes

• Telling a parent to force foods to ensure a nutrient target. This is worse for long-term outcomes than the nominal "deficiency" it is trying to prevent.
• Treating child body size as a direct intervention target. It is not. Eating competence is the target.
• Applying sDOR to a child with a genuine medical feeding issue without coordinating with a specialist.
• Teaching nutrition via "good food / bad food." This produces adults who argue with their own appetites.
• Publicly weighing or measuring children in a school setting.

Further reading

• Satter, Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense
• Satter, Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family
• Birch and Fisher on restriction, disinhibition, and child eating patterns
• American Academy of Pediatrics guidance on picky eating (which increasingly cites sDOR)