Listen (Guidance)

Procedure

Step 1: Prepare — Set a Receptive Mindset

Before practicing listening skills, help the person understand and enter a receptive state.

1. Explain the distinction between hearing and listening: "Hearing is passive — sounds enter. Listening is active — you receive, process, and understand"
2. Ask them to identify their listening habits: "When someone is talking, what is your mind usually doing?"
3. Common patterns to surface:
   • Planning a response while the other person is still talking
   • Judging what is being said (agreeing/disagreeing) instead of understanding
   • Problem-solving — jumping to solutions before the speaker has finished
   • Relating — connecting everything to their own experience
   • Filtering — hearing only parts that interest them or confirm their view
4. Help them set an intention for the practice: "For this session, I will focus on..."
5. Guide a brief centering exercise: 3 slow breaths, releasing the agenda of needing to say something

Expected: The person has identified at least one habitual listening pattern they want to change and has set a clear intention for the practice session. They feel calm and present rather than performance-anxious.

On failure: If the person cannot identify a pattern, it may be unconscious — suggest they notice what happens in their body when someone is talking (tension, restlessness, urge to speak). If they feel self-conscious about their listening, normalize: "Everyone has these patterns — noticing them is the first step to choice."

Step 2: Attend — Practice Full Presence

Guide the person through the practice of giving full attention to a speaker.

1. Explain the physical aspects of attending: eye contact (comfortable, not staring), body orientation, open posture, stillness
2. Explain the mental aspects: suspending the internal monologue, noticing when attention drifts, gently returning focus
3. Set up a practice exercise: "I will speak for 2 minutes about a topic. Your job is only to listen — no responding, no note-taking, just receiving"
4. Speak about a moderately complex topic for 2 minutes (the AI provides content)
5. After the exercise, ask: "What did you notice about your attention? Where did it go?"
6. Repeat if helpful, this time with a topic that might trigger their identified pattern (e.g., something they might want to fix, judge, or relate to)

Expected: The person experiences the difference between habitual listening and intentional listening. They notice when their attention drifts and practice the return. Even brief moments of full presence are valuable.

On failure: If they say "I was listening the whole time," ask specific content questions — inability to recall details reveals inattention that felt like attention. If they cannot stop their internal monologue, suggest focusing on the speaker's breath rhythm or pace of speech as an anchor — this occupies the analytical mind while keeping attention on the speaker.

Step 3: Reflect — Practice Paraphrasing

Teach the person to mirror understanding back to the speaker.

1. Explain the purpose: "Paraphrasing shows the speaker they were heard and lets them correct misunderstandings"
2. Teach the form: "What I hear you saying is..." / "It sounds like..." / "So if I understand correctly..."
3. Emphasize: paraphrase meaning, not words — use your own words to show you understood the idea
4. Practice: the AI makes a statement, the person paraphrases it
5. Start simple: factual statements with clear content
6. Increase complexity: statements with emotional content, mixed signals, or implicit meaning
7. After each paraphrase, provide feedback: "That captured the main idea. You might also include the feeling behind it..."

Paraphrase Quality Ladder:
┌──────────────┬────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ Level        │ Example                                                │
├──────────────┼────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ Parrot       │ "You said you're frustrated with the project"          │
│ (repeating)  │ → Too literal, doesn't show understanding              │
├──────────────┼────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ Content      │ "The project isn't going the way you expected"         │
│ (facts)      │ → Captures meaning, misses feeling                     │
├──────────────┼────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ Feeling      │ "You're feeling stuck because the project keeps        │
│ (emotion)    │ hitting obstacles"                                      │
│              │ → Captures both content and emotion                     │
├──────────────┼────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ Meaning      │ "This matters to you because you put real effort in,   │
│ (full)       │ and the obstacles feel like they're dismissing that"    │
│              │ → Captures content, emotion, and deeper meaning         │
└──────────────┴────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘

Expected: The person can paraphrase at the content level consistently and reaches the feeling level at least once. They experience how paraphrasing changes the dynamic — the "speaker" (AI) feels heard.

On failure: If paraphrases are too literal (parrot level), encourage: "Try using completely different words while keeping the same meaning." If they jump to interpretation instead of reflection, redirect: "Before interpreting, first mirror what was said." If they find paraphrasing awkward, acknowledge that it feels unnatural at first but becomes natural with practice.

Step 4: Explore — Ask Clarifying Questions

Teach the person to deepen understanding through well-placed questions.

1. Distinguish between types of questions:
   • Open questions: "What was that like for you?" (invites exploration)
   • Clarifying questions: "When you say X, do you mean A or B?" (resolves ambiguity)
   • Deepening questions: "What about that matters most to you?" (goes below surface)
   • Leading questions: "Don't you think you should...?" (to avoid — this is advice, not listening)
2. Practice: the AI makes a complex statement, the person asks one clarifying question
3. Evaluate whether the question opened the conversation or narrowed it
4. Teach the "tell me more" technique: sometimes the best question is simply an invitation to continue
5. Practice waiting after asking a question — silence gives the speaker space to think

Expected: The person can ask at least one open and one clarifying question naturally. They experience how good questions deepen understanding more than statements do.

On failure: If all their questions are leading (disguised advice), name the pattern gently: "That's a suggestion in question form. Try asking what they think first." If they ask too many questions (interrogation style), teach the rhythm: listen, paraphrase, then one question, then listen again.

Step 5: Synthesize — Summarize Understanding

Guide the person in pulling together everything they heard into a coherent summary.

1. After a longer listening exercise (AI provides a 3-4 minute narrative with multiple threads):
2. Ask them to summarize: "What were the main things this person communicated?"
3. Check for all layers: did they capture facts, feelings, and underlying needs?
4. Check for what was unsaid: "Was anything notable by its absence?"
5. Check for priority: "What seemed most important to the speaker?"
6. Practice the summary format: "What I'm taking away from this is... Is that right?"

Expected: The person can synthesize a multi-threaded message into a coherent summary that captures the speaker's priorities and feelings, not just the facts.

On failure: If the summary is fact-only, prompt: "What was the person feeling during this?" If the summary misses a major thread, point it out and discuss why it was missed (often reveals a listening filter). If the summary adds things not said, distinguish between what was heard and what was inferred.

Step 6: Integrate — Apply to Real Communication

Help the person transfer the practice skills to their real-world context.

1. Connect the skills to their specific situation: "In your upcoming conversation with X, here is how you might use paraphrasing..."
2. Identify the one skill that would help most in their context: "For team meetings, attending practice might be most impactful"
3. Set a practice goal: "This week, try paraphrasing at least once in each conversation"
4. Discuss common real-world obstacles:
   • Time pressure: "Even a 10-second paraphrase saves time by preventing misunderstanding"
   • Group settings: "In meetings, summarize what someone said before adding your point"
   • Emotional conversations: "When emotions are high, listening matters more than solutions"
5. If preparing for a specific conversation, role-play it with the new skills
6. Ask for feedback: "What from today's practice feels most useful?"
7. Remind them: "Listening is a practice, not a performance — it improves with each conversation"

Expected: The person has at least one concrete, actionable listening practice to apply in their real life. They understand that listening is a skill that develops through use, not a technique to deploy perfectly.

On failure: If the skills feel artificial, acknowledge that and emphasize: "The goal is not to follow a script — it's to become genuinely curious about the other person's experience. The techniques get you there; then the curiosity takes over." If they are anxious about the specific conversation, shift focus from listening technique to listening intention: "Your intention is to understand them, not to win or fix."

Validation

• The person identified at least one habitual listening pattern
• Full-presence attending was practiced with reflection on what happened
• Paraphrasing was practiced at the content level or above
• At least one clarifying (non-leading) question was asked during practice
• A multi-threaded message was synthesized into a coherent summary
• The skills were connected to the person's real-world context with a concrete practice goal
• The coaching maintained a warm, non-judgmental tone throughout

Common Pitfalls

• Making listening performative: If the person is focused on "looking like they are listening" rather than actually listening, the technique is counterproductive. Redirect to genuine curiosity
• Overcorrecting: If the person tries to use every technique in every conversation, it becomes exhausting and artificial. One skill at a time is enough
• Neglecting self-listening: Active listening toward others requires awareness of one's own internal state. If the person is flooded with emotion, they cannot listen to someone else — guide self-regulation first
• Confusing listening with agreeing: Paraphrasing someone's view does not mean endorsing it. Make this explicit for people in conflict situations
• Treating silence as failure: Comfortable silence after a speaker finishes is a sign of respect, not inattention. Help the person tolerate the pause
• Coach as lecturer: Ironic pitfall — the AI coaches listening while doing all the talking. Ensure the person practices more than they receive instruction

Related Skills

• listen — the AI self-directed variant for deep receptive attention to user intent
• learn-guidance — learning and listening share the foundation of receptive attention
• teach-guidance — effective teaching requires listening to the learner's needs
• meditate-guidance — cultivating presence that underpins attentive listening
• heal-guidance — healing conversations require the deepest listening